Memory
by EmilyHarmonia
Summary: He wants to remember her, always remembers her, though it still damages him to be haunted by those memories.


**NO THE POKEMON BW FANDOM IS NOT DEAD**

**... That aside...**

**Uh, this fic is pretty dark, I think, and verrry sad. (I don't know I just write different types of fics I guess) There is N's mom and death and a sort-of crazy Ghetsis and this is also in younger N's POV, so that you know. He's supposed to be kinda OOC too so if you want to say that he is, go ahead, just know that it was on purpose.**

**Oh and on the bright side I found out music really helps writing go more smoothly :3**

**Ok I'll stop typing notes just read this feels-fest if you want to**

* * *

Life is alarmingly fragile, as Daddy told me. You foolishly hold people and friends dear even though you know one day you'll lose them, and you let people love you even though you could so easily one day leave them behind. You know these things somewhere in the back of your mind, and yet when the day comes that they leave it's as though it can't possibly hit you hard enough. If you're like I am, and Daddy also said this, you're only going to dwell on it until the future throws something else at you. I didn't really know what he meant, but to me it always felt like I was drowning. It seems like your heart hurts, your body is heavy because you can only remember things. That feeling is what makes it hurt to be awake, to think, but won't let you sleep and makes laughing seem impossible.

Even after you've cried so much that your eyes hurt, even after you've slept so much that you can hardly think straight, these things are such a weight on you that it's almost as if you're stuck in the past, and something there had already hurt you. Something inside is heavy and withered like a flower in the snow. Almost like a bird with its wings cut off; you can't leave the ground and you can't feel much anymore.

Sometimes, you have good dreams, though, and wish to never wake up. You only try to plead with the world to live in that dream until everything in you stops.

It's a selfish wish, Daddy said.

Still, it's hard to live and play like you want when memories come back and reach out to you, in your dreams, touches, sounds, smells…

I'd only known her for so long, but I still see her in my dreams sometimes. Sometimes she's warm and happy, holding me or walking through a bright, sunny meadow while reaching down to hold my hand. The place is new and strangely beautiful to me. I don't want to wake up then. I feel as though I'm in another life from long ago.

But other times, when I've fallen into a world of black, there's only a splatter of red in my vision, and next thing I know she's screaming, reaching out, covered in blood, and I only hear my name, and "run". Her eyes look so crazed and fearful that I wake up from the nightmare quickly, but am too troubled to get back to sleep.

_Run._

Why did she say that?

I shake my head each time, only covering my head with the thin blankets, trying not to cry, not sure what to feel, whispering "No…" over and over again.

I remember snuggling up against her, held in her arms against her chest, her soft green hair that looked like mine tickling my forehead, burying my cheek into the velvet fabric of her dress, the smell of flowers lulling me, soothing me while she dried my tears…and it always felt like I would never be let go. I would look up into her eyes for just a moment.

_"I love you, N…"_

I was safe, and warm.

And at one point that I can't remember all of, when I was very little, around the age of five…it was one day that I'd been wandering around our mansion. No humans were in sight, so I was playing with Zorua when at some point I heard a startling scream. It scared me and made Zorua shrink in my arms when I lifted her, so I only apologized to her before I ran towards the scream.

I quickly found the room where the scream came from, but there was only blood, and her, and when I saw her I cried, and as soon as she saw me, she held me, even as the blood stained my cheek and hands, she held me, like she didn't want to leave me yet, she wanted to stay and protect me….

Then she screamed and I froze when she fell, because of all the confusion, shock, pain, it all swirled while she lay there, and Zorua ran and hid from her, from me.

Then he stood there behind her, looking inhuman with the glowing rage in his eye, the shining blade gripped tightly, then cocked back before it was dropped to the sticky floor.

I couldn't focus on him any longer.

I turned back to her, placing my arms over her shoulder and resting my head on them. I looked at her dull emerald eyes and felt the tears come back, falling, falling…

This time I knew she wouldn't be able to dry them.

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the blood soak my arms and not caring. I couldn't feel anything other than the sadness, betrayal, all screaming constant _why_'s in my head.

"M-mommy…"

It felt like some time had passed, and I could hardly catch my breath between the sobs by then. I heard footsteps, felt a presence, then a warm hand was caressing my back for a moment. The hand was wet, but I ignored that. A shiver ran through me as I thought of what the person touching me had done to make it all like this.

Then I was grabbed by my shirt and pulled away, but I screamed, kicked, grabbed onto Mommy, tried to hold onto her like she always promised she would to me.

_Why…_

I was still pulled away because I was so small, and I was locked in my room along with Zorua. I pounded on the door and screamed and cried for Daddy to let me out, let me see Mommy, bring her back, but I was given no response. I crawled over to the corner and cried myself to sleep.

I feel cold…

I slept a lot since then, since I was never allowed to wander around the mansion afterward. Time flew by in stretches of pain, tears, worthless hours spent in the corner, constant visits from the doctor to make sure I was still eating and sleeping okay. I didn't see a future anymore. I hadn't seen much of anything since Mommy left. It was as though I'd shut down because I'd lost a part of myself. I was part of Mommy and she loved me.

Now she's gone, and I don't know if she can love me or Daddy anymore.

* * *

One day Daddy comes into my room. I stretch out my arms to him, but I can't smile. Not anymore. Still, I've learned to love Daddy because he's all I know, the only one I have now that Zorua and Darumaka and are gone someplace. Daddy didn't tell me where when I asked. I still secretly want to know.

Daddy has a hand behind him and I curiously try to peer behind him to see it. Does he have a present for me? I can't see, so I look up at his face instead. There's something I can't read. It's in his eye. It wasn't the rage like before, and it's hidden behind something else, but instead, Daddy looks almost…tired? Sad? I don't know why. His features are hardened, too, and he's reaching out toward me.

"N."

I've forgotten about the hand, now looking at his face. He looks sorry, tired, but almost crazed…sort of like he hasn't slept, but much different. Everything else is blank.

Then Daddy says something that catches me.

"Do you want to see your Mommy?"

I blink, feeling my eyes wetten a little. My body seems to react to the memory before my mind does. Mom…-my?

No, no, I remember. I remember her a lot. Warm. Smiling. Sweet. Singing. Screams. Blood. Holding me. Then falling.

That was when my wings were cut off. I was falling with her...

I nod a little. The thought of her, protecting me, holding me again was so comforting just then, it sort of made me want to smile. I wonder if this means I'm dreaming again.

"Y-yes…"

It's hard getting my voice to come out at first, and that confuses me. What's weirder is that my voice sounds so different.

"I want to see Mommy…"

He nods, looking kind of relieved in a crazy way. I blink again.

"She's with Zorua and Darumaka. Did you know that?"

I shake my head.

Daddy is staring at something now. He doesn't say anything that I can understand.

"Daddy?"

Then he almost looks at me. "If you choose to see her, you won't be able to be king."

Huh?

"You want to be safe, don't you?"

The inside of my chest and throat is tickling and my hands go kind of numb as I think of seeing Mommy. "Okay."

Daddy looks down once more, a tiny smile playing at his lips.

"Alright."

I look at Daddy as the hand moves out.

Shiny. Silver. My mouth dries.

_Just like…_

Daddy looks at me, and I notice he's smiling.

...Why is he...?

"Daddy…will you be okay? … Do you want to see Mommy, too?"

His smile drops and he looks bitter, like he's full of hatred all of a sudden. "That…that doesn't matter."

What?

No…

_No…_

_I want to be with Daddy and…_

Daddy smiles. "She loves you."

She...

__…_Mommy…_

"This is the choice you've made for yourself."

Huh?

Then he reaches forward, almost like he's going to touch my arm, but I make eye contact with him for the slightest moment, then something tears as my body jolts. My eyes shoot all the way open and my throat makes a tiny noise.

It feels like I'm waking up from a dream. My chest is stuck when I try to call out for Daddy. Tears are coming from my eyes because I hurt. I fall over and claw at the stuffed animals laying by me, panicking for a moment because I can't breathe or talk or reach out to Daddy. Something warm and damp covers my neck and fills my mouth, but everything is wavering, and I don't register much else. Everything feels bad at first, then a new feeling washes over me, like I want to sleep. I feel like I'm falling asleep in Mommy's arms.

And then, I see Daddy, looking tired, too. He's smiling a little, reaching out to hold my head before my vision and feelings are blurred into white.

Then a sunny meadow. Walking. Holding hands. Falling.

_Mommy?_

* * *

…

Life is such a fragile thing, Daddy said, right?

I don't remember. Memories feel distant.

I feel cold and want to be warm again.

I didn't have to hurt, so Daddy let me be here.

Because he loves me, like Mommy.

* * *

**Ok, this actually hurt a little to write. v_v**

**And, jsyk, here's the music I used while writing: watch?v=7ND_D8djH4s Just a heads up though, music brings more feels.**

**Review, please, so I'll know if I did ok!**


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